‘Price is what you pay. Value is what you get.’ Warren Buffett
‘Spin doctors, post-literate and self-deceiving, had no use for subtlety. Best Value. They hammered the tag into their inelegant, over-designed freebies. These glossy publications, political correctness in all its strident banality, existed to sell the lie. Best Value.’ Iain Sinclair
Well, I’m at a loss. With almost every blade of grass in life already marketed and trodden down by a million trend-setters, focus groups and agro-techno-pioneers, I feel left out of the loop and exploited. Am I paying over the odds for everything? When do I know that what I buy is ‘good value’? Should I even be thinking in such terms? When can I know that I’m not paying extra for the comfort of a name, label, experience, lifestyle or demographic choice? When can I allow myself to think – ‘No, actually, this is worth it. Worth it.’ The correct economics term for this, I think, is ‘consumer surplus’ – when the consumer believes him or herself to be on the happy end of a trade-off. But I have no idea when I arrive at this surplus moment. Hence my decision to help myself, by way of constructing a vast, complex ladder of learning. If the world was going to hide the true value of items from me, well then, I would have to attempt to construct a valid scale of what I, in my few years on this planet, have decided to consider valuable or worthless. And this is what emerged. The mega value barometer windchime.
Why create a scale from 1-38? Well, it’s a simple equation.
33: Jesus died at 33 – now, that’s a value life. Two millennia ago, someone lived for 33 years, and they’re still talking about it.
5: Five pounds is the ultimate “lucky” amount of money to find in your pocket. A tenner and above, you’d think of spending it on something useful. A fiver is at the perfect “magic, i’ll have a drink/buy a nice snack” level.
Therefore, 33 + 5, marrying together the spiritual, historical and material senses of value together.
THE OBYTO MEGA VALUE BAROMETER WINDCHIME
| 38 – 60p bag of toffee bonbons | Time travel (to when you wuz a kid) in a small paper bag. Supradimensionally good value |
| 37 – £1 for 6 free range eggs | Poached, fried, scrambled, boiled – what delicious versatility |
| 36- £25 for a pet kitten + vaccinations | A lifetime of winding up a neurotic inbred (without having to visit Clee Hill etc etc) |
| 35- 25p ferry ride across Bristol Harbour | A thing for 25p? In a city? Unheard of. Even chewy (cf) costs twice that these days. |
| 34- £3.50 cinema ticket (cheap day Tuesdays) | Ah, the smell of the greaspaint, the heat of the lights… No wait, that’s not right. |
| 33- £60 plane ticket to an east European capital | Dobre! Eye-watering, tragic urban history and foaming cheap drinks. |
| 32- the cost of a connection fee: email. | Tappy tappy tappy, keeps us all away from the horrid ‘outside’ |
| 31- 2 for 1 on the London Eye/Thames Clipper service. | Water-based urban epic. See all them wharves? That’s where the money came from. |
| 30- £5 litre of scrumpy, bought by a Shropshire roadside. | It’s rancid, but hell, that’s what you look for from Shropshire. |
| 29- 2p placed in one of those old-school charity coin whirlpool doo-dahs | Playstations for simpletons and easily-pleased sorts |
| 28- £1.60 broadsheet Sunday newspaper | Take to the pub, sip drink, read stuff, till night falls |
| 27- 24p box of 6 chalk sticks | Eco-graffiti for the old and young alike |
| 26- £4 cricket ball | Mmmm. Smell it, toss it, wang it at someone else. Lovely shiny objects |
| 25- £2.10 pint of Bath Gem | Woody heart-soother |
| 24- 82p 500g bag of couscous | So easy to prepare, goes with everything. Marv. |
| 23- £2,000 bathroom revamp | Hours, months, years of shiny satisfaction |
| 22- A life on benefits | Piece of piss. You can’t get out much, but still… |
| 21- £4.60 for three paperback novels in Alnwick’s barter books | Top consumer experience; constructive, too |
| 20- £2.70 Pret a Manger ‘Ham and Greve’ baguette | It’s pricey but nice. You know what you’re getting for your worker-bee executive lunchtime treat. |
| 19- £300 set of golf clubs | *swish* “Fore!” “How’s business, Dan?” You know the drill. Always fun. |
| ————————————————————————————— | |
| 18- 45p for a pack of Orbit chewing gum | For heaven’s sake. We’re not ruminants. We don’t have cuds |
| 17- 17% on everything cool | VAT, the beast that started this whole sorry parade |
| 16- £4.99 for 250g of frozen prawns | Tasteless, environmentally iffy, overpriced, meh |
| 15- £12 organic chicken | I just can’t decide about this one. How does one determine the taste/value quotient if you’ve overcooked the bugger? |
| 14- £69 return on the Isle of Wight ferry | You can see the other side before you’ve left! That can’t be 69 quid’s worth of voyaging. |
| 13- A life of graft | You get satisfaction, I guess. But it’s bloody hard work. |
| 12- £35 ticket for a Premiership football match | Uncomfortable, cold (normally), desultory hostility from those around you towards the vain showoffs on the pitch. Double meh. |
| 11- £13 for The Da Vinci Code illustrated edition | The real paperback is going at £3.99 on Amazon, and that’s still only 2hrs or so of (annoying) reading |
| 10- £150 plane ticket to Norway | Most expensive, boring place ever |
| 9- £91 return to Newcastle without a seat reservation | Doesn’t need much more elaboration |
| 8- £1.49 Supermarket dead-in-a-sec basil plants | POINTLESS. We are a long way from self-sufficiency, and this is no place to start. |
| 7- £3.30 pint of Kronenburg | It’s gone in a second if you’re thirsty. If you’re not, it tastes of chemicals. Great. |
| 6- £3.00 zone 1 single Underground ticket | They could at least install colourful flashing lights on the tunnel walls. |
| 5- £90 shirt with some chap’s name on it | Modern society really is silly at times |
| 4- £2.20 Cinema multiplex bottled water | Captive market/cynical/depressing |
| 3- £95 plumber call-out fee | Ditto |
| 2- £10 (or whatever it is these days) for a pack of fags | Foolish, children |
| 1- £4.40 Burger King meal from Frankley Services, nr Birmingham | I prayed for redemption here, amongst the greasy tabletops, soggy, ash-stained leftovers and fighting children. It was freezing, too – the food, the temperature, everything. That was a cold day in hell, Let Me Tell You. |
If you have any suggestions that would better illuminate the debate, do not hesitate to get in touch.